After statistical analysis showing an increase in suicides, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un issued a covert directive to local officials banning suicides. The actual number of suicides in North Korea is impossible to calculate because the leadership rarely admits to the country’s faults. The South Korean National Intelligence Service, on the other hand, projected in May that suicides had climbed by nearly 40% over the previous year.

The North Korean Central News Agency revealed President Kim Jong Un’s new programme to murder everyone who plans to commit suicide. Kim addressed his people personally in a message shot near the ancient Mt. Paektu after coming on screen riding a white unicorn. “As your Supreme Leader, I am saddened by suicides.They are acts of treason against socialism and just plain mean. We are the happiest nation in the world, right behind China. To keep that status we need people who are alive because only I have the ability to know if someone is still happy after they’re dead.”

According to the Central News Agency, Kim believes that citizens contemplating suicide should be educated on socialist principles and experience “the joy of living in the world’s strongest economy with the most healthy diet, fighting American war maniacs and their vassals day after day, year after year, decade after decade.”

Known for his fascination with filmmaking, Kim has commissioned a new spy thriller that reinforces his message titled “You only die twice.” He also launched the new slogan, “Live until you die Kim’s way!” for billboards throughout North Korea.


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